Punch and Judy

It started a couple of days ago. I was taking a break from processing cashbooks and reconciling stock balances. Poking around on Facebook during lunch. That’s when I saw it.

My ex-wife moved to the UK a couple of years ago. We don’t talk much. Not since she hooked up with the new guy. He’s a nasty piece of work. At least, he was. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

She’d just posted something about letting people go, they’d come back if they were really yours, the usual corny internet gumph. Pictures of butterflies, or kittens, or whatever mood she was in. I forget the details. They’re not important.

The important part was her new profile picture. There she was, trying to look brave while going through their latest drama. With a black eye. And a chipped tooth.

I missed the desk and my coffee mug bounced off the carpet, the last few drops blending anonymously into the dirty brown squares.

What the hell? This was a new low, even for Garth. Sure, they’d had arguments before. She’d kicked him out. He’d kicked her out. She’d keyed his Kawasaki. There was that time he threw their new Samsung 58” through the living-room window because she wanted to watch Geordie Shore instead of Chelsea vs Arsenal. To be honest, I’d sided with him on that one.

But raising his hands to a woman? That was crossing the line.

So I did what any concerned ex would do.

I used both index fingers to hammer the laptop keys, venting my frustration and telling the world exactly what I would do to Garth if he ever touched Louise again.

*

After a day like that, I needed a drink. And where else would I go, except Valhalla? The Johannesburg nightclub, not the mythological Viking hall.

There I was, standing quietly at the bar, enjoying an ice-cold Soweto Gold, when the guy walked up and stood next to me. He ordered himself a drink. Some exotic thing in a jar.

He stood there silently for a few minutes. Then he leaned in close and said the words.

“We can take care of Garth for you.”

First in a series of emails sent to me by an old Valhalla drinking buddy. He couldn’t post them himself, for reasons that will become obvious over time. I’m publishing them here at his request, as I received them.

Dancing in Valhalla is now available from Walmart, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, 24 Symbols, and other friendly retailers. Also still available on Amazon.

Till next time.

Cheers.